I turn 30 tomorrow.
30 is one of those milestones that seems to mean something, though I’m damned if I know what it is it’s supposed to mean. Am I an adult? I’m supposed to have been one for a good few years now. Am I old? I’ve always felt older than my years.
30 years is a long time to be alive. 30 sets of 12 months. 30 summers, 30 winters. 30 birthdays. 30 christmases. I’m as old as two 15 year olds put together. I’m 11 years older than the people who started Uni this year.
I’ve been slipping into some pretty dark moods in the run up to this. I’m led to believe that this is normal. What have I acheived with my life? What have these 30 years been worth? What good am I? I don’t really have any comforting answers to those questions. I haven’t built or created anything of worth. I haven’t written a novel like I always wanted to. I haven’t studied anything worthwhile or really contributed anything. I’ve wasted my life. These are the thoughts that have been bubbling away lately.
Well … that’s a bit melodramatic. And premature. I’m not dying, after all, I’m just getting a year older. I’m not likely to be hit by a bus tomorrow (at least not if I’m careful) and though I suffer from depression and I’ve spent the last 3 weeks or so coughing my lungs up my health is still generally fine. As for achievements, there’s still time – though you could say I’ve made some already.
I got off to a slow start, preferring to spend my childhood reading rather than making friends or taking up hobbies. But once I got past my teens I picked up speed. I’ve not been widely travelled but I’ve lived in several different countries and made friends from all over the world. I completed a Philosophy degree without embarrassing myself too badly. At work I was promoted to a position of trust and responsibility. I’ve helped write and direct a handful of short films – not exactly Citizen Kane but people like them.
I may not have done much, but what I’ve done does have worth. Though I grumble and complain, I’m both lucky and privileged to have lived the life I’ve had so far. Here’s to 30 more years – onwards and upwards.