A Lumpy Bumpy Parcel of Stuff

‘Tis the season to get frustrated because you can’t wrap your presents just so and they end up looking like nothing more impressive than a lumpy bumpy parcel of stuff and everyone looks at them with pity and disgust knowing that they could have done a far superior job but you worked so hard on them and it’s what inside that really counts even though everyone says it’s the thought let’s be honest it’s actually the value of the present itself and first impressions are everything and the wrapping is just so awful but I tried I tried really hard AND STOP JUDGING ME!

Fa la la la la la la la la.
 Wrapping gifts can be frustrating. Many places offer a wrapping service nowadays; you can pay extra and someone else will get the wrapping paper, enclose your gift lovingly within it and wrap it with a nice pretty bow. Or maybe they get a machine to do it. Our robot slaves are programmed with a appreciation for aesthetic value, after all.
If you’re like me, you scoff at such measures. “It’s a bit of paper and some sticky tape,” you say. “How hard can it be?”.
Oh, you poor fool. Must we dance this tango every year?
You lay out your gifts on one end of the table/bed/floor/flat surface of your choice. If you haven’t chosen a flat surface, the task will be approximately 200% harder. Don’t be that guy. Just get a flat surface.
Having agonised for hours over the choice of wrapping paper (penguins? polar bears? reindeers? fuck it, red, red is christmassy, that’ll do) it’s time to get started. Grab the end of the paper firmly and pull no too firmly you’ve put a crease in it. Bugger. Ok, well, smooth that out a bit. No one’ll notice. It’ll be the bit where the sticky tape fits. There, sorted.
Ok, you place the gift on the paper. Scooch it around a bit. Left. Left. Lef-no, back a bit. There. Pull the paper roll up a little. That’ll do, grab the scissors. Of course, you could get your ruler out and measure the precise distance required on each side of the present to ensure total coverage. But who has time for that? This is the 21st century, you’re a busy person. Eyeball it, it’ll be fine.
Ok, now grab the scissors NOT THAT END there that’s better, now snip snip along the paper nice and smoothly OH GOD PAPERCUT.

Once you’ve returned from A&E it’s time to get your sticky tape ready. Find the end. The end. The end of the tape, it’s there somewhere, there’ll be a line to show you where it is. There. Ok, now pick at that for the next hour until you’ve unstuck it and can carry on. Pro tip: fold that down in a tab when you’re done using the tape, it’ll work wonders.
Ok, now you’ve got your first strip nearly ready, just give it a snip- bugger, it’s stuck to itself. Can you peel it apart? I said peel it apart, not tear it to pieces. Cut off another. Good, stick one end to the table edge. Yes, I know you chose to do this on a bed, but just use the nearest surface. Ok, now another strip. And another. And another for good measure. Good!
Ok, now back to the wrapping paper. Fold two of the edges together so they fit in the middle of your gift. If your gift is anything other than a book, a DVD or a straightfoward box shape, this will be hell. Now grab your first sticky tape strip and – wait. The edges of the paper don’t meet in the middle. There’s a gap, you can see what the present is. Shit! Ok, turn the present on its side, quick, we can still salvage thi- shit,
Fine, go get a ruler.
Now that you’ve measured the precise distance required on each side of the present to ensure total coverage (and disposed of the now utterly useless strip of paper that you couldn’t possibly recycle or use to wrap a smaller present), get the sticky tape and GOD DAMMNIT IT’S STUCK TO ITSELF AGAIN. Breathe. Peel carefully there you go. Now put it down flat, flat, NO FLAT great, the tape is creased. No, don’t pick at it, you’ll rip the – yes, like that. Luckily it’s just a really small tear, slap some tape on it and no one’ll notice.
Now the ends. Fold the paper into triangles neatly. Neatly. Neater than that. Stop crying, it’s not hard.
This is the part of the wrapping process where you down two large gins, give up and attack the rest of the presents with as much paper and tape as you can, effectively entombing them in little Christmassy shrines that will need to be broken into with scissors if the goodies inside are to be liberated.
You don’t care. 
You’re too busy hitting the gin again after seeing the pristine wrapping that your family paid for on the gifts they got you.
Merry Christmas.

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